Tuesday, March 01, 2005
t0day wasn't a particularly g0od day. was kinda distressed. l0st my c0ncentrati0n outta a sudden. all0wed my mind to dirft away. drift to what happened a year ag0.
a year ag0.
a month after we got together.
he t0ld me he hadnt f0rgotten her completely.
perhaps i should have ended everything back then.
to save myself
i'd n0 idea that ag0ny was c0ming my way.
a year ag0.
yet the memory of it still haunts me.
its still living vividly in my mind.
it wasn't because she was the one he used to like.
but because he cheated 0n me em0ti0nally.
jan 2004.
i asked about his past relationships.
he refused to disclose anything about him and her.
i shouldnt have done what my heart compelled me t0 back then.
it was the biggest mistake i've ever made.
i met her at a few occasions.
the first time i layed my eyes on her,
i knew she was the one.
the one he fell head over heels for for years.
what i didnt know was,
she still captured a part of his heart back then.
was it out of sheer stupidity
that i agreed when he asked me to be his?
perhaps.
after we g0t t0gether.
i raised that same particular t0pic ab0ut him and her again.
what i g0t
was him yelling at me.
he then admitted that she was the one.
which i knew long before he confirmed.
no, it didnt hurt cuz she was the one he used to like.
it hurt cuz i was sharing his heart with her.
no, i couldnt accept that.
he said he was trying to be honest.
fark it.
he could have been before he asked me to be his.
shit.
what i felt couldnt be simplified int0 w0rds.
the disappointment was way beyond the universe.
thorough pain and destructi0n?
no, it was something w0rst than th0se.
damn.
throughout the months we'd been t0gether
m0st arguments arised cuz of what he'd done.
s0rry.
i cannot put it behind me.
it hurt even more when he went out t0 meet her.
and spent the night at her house.
of cuz with other friends.
but no.
i didnt want to be p0ssessive.
insercurity.
lack of confidence.
lack of trust.
perhaps that was why i felt that way.
was i even happy when i was with him?
i've n0 idea myself.
it was cuz of his past d0ings.
that i hurt myself in many ways.
he said to depend on myself and n0t the past.
yes i did.
i depended solely on myself
whenever he caused me to be miserable unkn0wingly.
i depended 0n my friends instead of him.
cuz i know he'll never be able to c0mprehend
what he'd inflicted into me.
f0r the past 11m0nths.
and till n0w.
the mem0ry of it still haunts me.
and the way he treated me
before i finally mustered enough courage to leave him
was like adding salt to the w0und in my heart.
h0w i wished i've an eraser inside my head right n0w.
s0metimes it's a blessing to be able to f0rget easily.
sighh.
life's never fair.
did i deserve such treatment.
i didnt even felt so discouraged when k left.
yes i may f0rgive him.
but i'll never f0rget what he'd d0ne.
s0rry.
but i ain't brave en0ugh to d0 it.
w0unds d0 heal.
but the scars never fade.
there're some things which he'll never kn0w.
tell me what i sh0uld d0 n0w.
There's a girl in the mirrorI wonder who she isSometimes I think I know herSometimes I really wish I didThere's a story in her eyesLullabies and goodbyesWhen she's looking back at meI can tell her heart is broken easilyCause the girl in my mirrorIs crying out tonightAnd there's nothing I can tell herTo make her feel alrightOh the girl in my mirrorIs crying cause of youAnd I wish there was somethingSomething I could doIf I could I would tell herNot to be afraidThe pain that she's feelingThe sense of loneliness will fadeSo dry your tears and rest assuredLove will find you like beforeWhen she's looking back at meI know nothing really works that easilyI cant believe its what I seeThat the girl in the mirrorThe girl in the mirror is meCause the girl in my mirrorIs crying out tonightAnd there's nothing I can tell herTo make her feel alrightOh the girl in my mirrorIs crying cause of youI wish there was somethingI wish there was something I could do.
*happy birthday*
take me with you
4:26 PM
